Rebelution meets Senioritis

All throughout high school I'd heard about and been warned about senioritis. It seemed to get worse with every new senior class.

senioritis -
noun
1. A crippling disease that strikes high school seniors.  Symptoms include: laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shirts, sweatpants, athletic shorts, and sweatshirts. Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude.
The only known cure is a phenomenon known as Graduation

As a freshman I only saw it towards the end of the year, but my junior year it seemed to strike the whole senior class as early as first semester. I always thought it was a stupid manifestation of the low expectations our culture has for teenagers.  I told myself I would never give in to such Satanic influences.  I was determined to be that light for the whole school to see what could happen if a person lived in God's kingdom.

And then I became a senior.

I understand now why it's considered a "disease."  It's never a conscious choice that I make to give into senioritis.  Instead it's an overwhelming and otherwise unexplainable urge to put less effort into my schoolwork.  And it really is a testament to the devil's influence in our culture that we put a name to sinful tendencies and they suddenly become socially acceptable or at least excusable.  By labeling sin we ignore that it is still sin and needs to be repented of.  Lately God has placed on my heart that just because I can call it senioritis and just because I'm expected to do it doesn't make it acceptable to God.

I had been so focused on thinking about the hard things I would do in my future, after college, that I let myself slip into doing the easy things now.  Before I knew it I had fallen into sin and the culture's low expectations of me.  And now that I'm there it seems so difficult to get out again that a large part of me wants to just turn from the mountain and head back into the valley until a more opportune time.  But if I don't start up the mountain now, then when God calls me to His service, I'll still be at the bottom of the valley and I won't be able to serve Him.  I have to get started.

"Thrive"

Casting Crowns has a new album out called "Thrive." There are a number of songs in it which really spoke to me. The description of the song "Love You With the Truth" made me think about the kind of friend I'm being:

“This song is about a person realizing that they’ve been a really cruddy friend because they haven’t shared the truth with the person closest to them. A lot of people will say, ‘I want to share the gospel with my friend, but I don’t want to ruin my friendship.’ What you are really saying is ‘I love my friendship more than I love my friend and I don’t want to lose them by giving them this to save them.’ That’s what this song says. It’s tough, but it’s truth.”

I grew up under the teaching that if you were a kind person and loved everyone then your actions were associated with Christ and that was enough to be a witness.  As I've matured I've learned that this isn't the case but I still haven't changed my interactions with my unbelieving friends to reflect this.  Not only do I have more unbelieving friends than saved friends, but there have actually been friends who have turned their backs on Christ.  Lately I've been discouraged by this, but this album made me understand that I'm the one responsible to doing something about this.  And in some cases that needs to be something more than praying for them.

Another song that spoke to me was "Heroes":

He walks the halls, against the flow
He sees his high school as his mission field
Hes broken cause he knows
The hopeless road that they are taking
The empty feelings they are chasing only lead to futures wasted
So hes willing to stand alone 

He lives what he believes when they all say its not worth believing
Every night on his knees, he prays God, wont You please help me reach them?

The final verse of "Love You With the Truth" convinced me that I need to change.  Now I need to bring this into my relationships even though it might be hard and I might lose friends over it.  I can't just do what is convenient or comfortable for me.

How Ive prayed for this moment, that you would finally see
That God is more than religion, a stained-glass fantasy
And how Ive prayed for the courage, for my silent faith to speak
Or that God would just send you a better friend than me

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; 

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Matthew 5:39-42

I was at a college visiting the other day and was challenged to read through the gospels a chapter a day to find things that I would normally just skim over.  Today I was struck by this passage and I feel challenged to live it out in my life.

"But I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil.  But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.  And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.  And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.  Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."

Blessings

This week has been difficult with all the stress I've had from school and everything on top of it.  But tonight I'm very thankful for the blessings that I have, especially in the form of friends.  I have so many people that I know I can talk to whenever I need to.  I know I have many flaws and if I were friends with myself I would get fed up with me within a week.  So I'm thankful for all my friends who continue to put up with me and help me.
I'm particularly thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ because sometimes it feels lonely to lead a Christian life in this world and I'm thankful for my family to lean on when I need encouragement.  We might not all see eye to eye but I know that I can trust them and their friendship means the world to me.

Philippians 2:12-18

Kinda crazy but I haven't posted all summer and on Thursday I go back to school.  Senior year is going to be very busy for me.  I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but it's all stuff that's good for me in theory.  If nothing else I will get a lesson in not worrying, in trusting, and in time management.  I've been in Philippians for a large part of the summer, and in the current circumstances, this passage speaks to me especially.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.  Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me.

School

School is just about over for me.  Very soon I will be a senior and then it's off to college in just over a year.  I think I'm one of the most excited juniors in my school in terms of my willingness to leave high school behind.  But that's a whole different story.
It's interesting to look back over the years.  When I was younger I really enjoyed learning.  I remember spending my entire summers working through long lists of books and counting down the days until the first day back to school.  Up until high school, I loved going to school.  In fact, less than a week would go by and I would already be wishing for school to start again.  I can't remember a single summer until after 8th grade where this wasn't true.
There are a couple of reasons why this changed after 8th grade.  One was that I started working and traveling in the summer more often so I had less time just sitting around the house.  Another is that the high school starts about two weeks before the middle school.  Not to mention that with marching band I've actually been around the school for a good two weeks before the first day.  The biggest reason was probably my dread for starting high school.  And since then, my general dislike for the high school curriculum.
Regardless of the reasons, I've always been excited, even just a little, about starting school the following fall.  I'm sure that come August I'll be more than enthusiastic about starting my senior year.  But right now, for the first time in my life, I am really looking forward to slowing down, reading, and unwinding from this year.  Maybe it's because junior year was so hard (which it was), or maybe it's because as my faith grows, I start to understand the necessity to embrace every moment I'm alive and use every moment to grow even more.
Either way, school is basically done, and although I have a very busy summer, I plan to use all my time following where God leads me.

The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways

In my last post I mentioned I had been dealing with some discouragement.  This past week it wasn't discouragement so much as I was forced to address a problem with sin which was causing me pain.  I felt like I was falling away from my relationship with God in a way.  I didn't feel like I was fit to be a soldier for my King.
And then, as usual, God sees fit to use me in ways that I couldn't have expected in my wildest dreams.  An unsaved friend of mine needed advice and comfort and I was able to share my faith with her and she took some comfort from that.  It's really amazing to feel so completely useless and then realize that God has plans for me regardless of what I think.
Also, I've been singing a lot these past couple of weeks.  I've been finding so much comfort in praise music.  Steven Curtis Chapman has a new album which includes the song "Morning Has Broken."  I hadn't realized that the song was a hymn so this morning in church when I was flipping through the hymnal, looking for songs to play on piano, I was very surprised to find that song in it.  I was humming it and looking for other songs throughout the rest of service.  And then, the choir sang that song before the sermon.  I've never heard them sing that song before, and then they sing it today.  The ways God works are pretty amazing.
Our God has a grand plan for each and every one of us.

Proof of God's Love

The church I attend on Sunday evenings is sending a family to Papua New Guinea for the next 9 months to explore the possibility of missions work in that area.  They are the first missionaries this congregation has sent out.  Last night was the last Lord's Day they will be spending in the country until they return.  The young man preached the sermon last night.  He discussed the importance of missions work, particularly Pauline missions work (as opposed to Timothy or Titus).  He cited many reasons why missions work is important, such as the Great Commission and others like it.  One particular verse caught my attention.  Matthew 24:14:

And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

 Think about it.  The gospel is to be shared with all nations, and then, not before, the end will come.  Sure, maybe every country has heard the gospel.  Certainly every big city has.  But does God really care about political boundaries created by man?  I don't believe so.  No, I believe that in the Bible "nations" mean people groups.  Languages, tribes, cultures.  Do you know how many indigenous languages are spoken in Indonesia?  737.   According to Joshua Project, there are 783 people groups in Indonesia alone.  At least 227 people groups have never heard the word of God.  That's just in Indonesia.
Over 7,000 people groups have never heard the name of Jesus.
Out of the 7,000 languages in the world today, only about 500 have the whole Bible translated into it.  There are over 200 million people who cannot read the Bible because it is not in their language.
I just can't believe these numbers.  We have had 2000 years in which to share the good news, and yet here we stand.  Unless we do something, 200 million people will die and never see Heaven simply because they never knew.  We are responsible for that.
I had been feeling somewhat discouraged recently.  Last night's sermon motivated me.
But, let's face it.  How often do we hear a powerful sermon and go home and wake up Monday morning and become discouraged again?  After all, I can't go to Papua New Guinea or Indonesia today and give them God's word.
I was reading a new blog post on the Rebelution and I found this:

It’s our job to pray, send, and go to reach the unreached peoples of the world and meet people’s physical needs as well.

It reminded me what my passion is and what my calling is and what my responsibility as a Christian is. I may not be able to go across the world today, but if it's God's Will then one day I will go and I will share His love.  Right now I need to be preparing for that day.  I need to be ready to go when called because as a soldier for God's army I need to be ready to follow my King into battle when He calls me to do so.  And I cannot go to battle if I'm not well trained.
I think God used the blog post this morning to remind me of what He asks of me.  His love won't let me slip through the cracks.  He will train me to fight for Him every day from now until eternity and today is just one example among millions of the ways he has saved me from myself.  Who can deny the power of His love?

From church tonight...

“‘I get it. This is my responsibility...  This is why I’m a Christian. This is why I’m on the planet. This is why I’m here. It’s not for me to make money and to have a happy family and to see PG-13 movies and to just really enjoy myself.’ That’s not why you’re here. You’re here in order to serve King Jesus and to take this gospel to all the nations.”
                -Pastor Alan Dunn

Monday Nights

It was a cold Monday evening in December. A little girl, only six years old, and her mother walked along the narrow stone path which led from a square driveway to a little cottage in the woods. The little girl clutched a white three-ring binder and followed close behind her mother. The woman who greeted them brightly at the door had gray hair and tired eyes. She welcomed the two into her home, then started the girl’s first piano lesson...
...I do not have a desire, nor the skill, to be an accomplished pianist, or even musician of any type. I do not plan on continuing piano after high school regularly. I do know that if anyone ever asks me how I ended up doing missions work on the other side of the world, my answer will be that I started piano lessons in first grade. I do not know how the rest of my life will play out, but I do know that my Monday night piano lessons will have a huge impact on me.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others. 

           Marianne Williamson

Memory Challenge

I'm working with Psalm 34 for the month of January.  I'm hoping my sisters will join me and we can hold each other accountable.

Changes

Her heart sank when she realized what Alex was doing.  Hearing Taylor's approach, Alex turned to look at her.  She met Taylor's eyes for a moment and in that instant Taylor read her best friend's every thought.  Taylor hoped her own expression had been just as clear as Alex's. She wanted Alex to see her shock, her disappointment, and her concern.  She wanted Alex to know that she did not approve and was worried.
At first on Alex's face she saw exhaustion and a little hopelessness.  But her mouth was set and her expression was hard and unyielding.  It very clearly told Taylor "I don't care what you think of me.  You have no right to judge me and nothing you say will make a difference."  But underneath the stubbornness on her face, there was something more.  There was fear in her eyes as well.  As much as she tried to hide it under her confidence, Taylor could see Alex gauging her reaction.  Alex was silently pleading with Taylor to understand.  She apologized for disappointing her friend and begged her to not be angry.  There was desperation deep within her expression.
Alex looked away as if sensing the intensity of her friend's thoughts and made her usual complaint.  "It's cold."
"Yup," Taylor replied easily.
And then they continued as if everything was normal.

A Faithful Saying

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
If we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

Words from Ashes

I started a new blog for my poetry: http://wordsfromashes.blogspot.com/
I wanted a separate place for all my poetry and I want this blog to be more focused on my desire to serve God as a missionary.  I deleted a lot of my meaningless posts and the poetry (which is now all on Words from Ashes).  I will be giving this blog yet another makeover, however, I will be keeping the name the same for the time being.  I wanted to keep some things that were already on the blog, and this makes it easier.  Besides that, Blog2b still serves its purpose and I expect that once I start college I will be starting a new blog.  That's all for now.

Prayer Request

I have a quick prayer request. Lately I was listening to an interview Alex and Brett Harris did on Focus on the Family a few years ago to refocus my life and remind myself how to do hard things. They spoke a little about the three pillars: character, competence and collaboration.

"A lot of times we need the humility to say I can’t do everything, I need to bring other people on my team and if this is really a vision with getting excited about, and this is really something too big to be accomplished alone, I need to be able to bring other people on my team."

I’ve been listening with my ESL project at my high school in mind and also my future as a missionary as well. As for the ESL project, I was working with a girl last year but the bulk of the project fell on me, and I was okay with that, I wanted it that way really. But she graduated and I know that I was falling short on my responsibilities. So I’m praying for God to show me someone who will be interested in coming alongside me with this project, and also for the humility to accept that person’s help. So if you could just remember me over the course of the semester, I’d appreciate it.

Piano Hands

I just had to share this picture.  I was practicing piano the other day and one of my mom's daycare kids came downstairs and watched.  I asked him if he wanted to sit with me so he climbed up on the bench.  I asked him if he wanted to try so he started playing.  It was so cute; he would turn the pages of the music and try to imitate me.  I love this picture of his hands on my piano.

How do we Do Hard Things when we're weary?

Many of you know that I am working on an ESL project for my Girl Scout Gold Award. I'm organizing a club for students in my high school who are interested in tutoring and teaching English as a Second Language to students in our school whose first language is not English. It's been going pretty good as far as the total outcome goes but I'm exhausted. Around every corner is some discouragement; unreturned emails and phone calls that completely derail a whole aspect of the project, harsh words from people who mean well in critiquing but seem to not consider the impact, clashing opinions from people I care about, and worst, the utter ignorance of my peers. I'm ashamed to admit that I am tired of explaining my project to my friends. I'm tired of working on this is school for it and being asked what they're for and trying to explain that it's a club for teaching ESL and explaining what ESL is and why I want to do it. Then when I'm done and they finally understand the thing I was trying to do never got done and they just look at me funny and roll their eyes. The bubble of ignorance I live in is wearing me down. No one seems to understand why this is a problem, no one seems to want to help fix the language barriers and no one seems to care. When people ask I just give the short answer now; "it's for a friend, I'm editing it." "it's for an after-school club." "its for a kid i tutor" I've done this before. With WIFD and the Rebelution i get tired of explaining so I just say it's a Christian blog or a church thing. If you tell a 10th grader that The Rebelution is "a rebellion against low expectations of an un-Godly culture" all you're going to get is laughed at or a blank expression. "church thing" conveys all they're gonna get out of it so much better. But I feel guilty doing this because I know it's wrong and I know I should make more of an effort. But it's just so tiring.

I guess all we can do is pray for God to work through us and give us the strength to carry on His Name and His Plan, no matter the strange looks or laughter and taunting. In the end it will all be Right. And that's all we need to know to go on.

Stress and Worry

So I know the Bible says not to worry in multiple places. I've always taken that to mean to not stress over things, to leave it to God and trust that He knows what He's doing. And that's a part of it. Now when I decided I needed to live like a better Christian this was one of the areas I knew needed to be addressed. I had no trouble really giving up the stress. I was really surprised how easy God lifted the burden from me. However, I haven't been able to let go of worry. It's not obsessive worry or stressful worry, it's just worry about sad things that happen to people I suppose. Things beyond my control that I feel sorry about and worry. I'm not explaining this well, I'm too tired I think. Do you get the idea though? I feel like the worry isn't a problem, it's just feeling sympathy for others. The stress is what's bad. But I'm not sure.. Thoughts?